to move up and down
1080p-ness
HD gets us excited.
The P-Ness Inserts Itself Into the Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Battle Royale!
What happens when giant pythons get loose in the Everglades? You give the local alligators steroids so they grow big enough to kill them. Duh! Welcome to another low-budget Syfy production, where the only thing worse than the effects are the story and performances. This time they cast former teen pop stars Tiffany and Debbie…pardon us, Deborah Gibson…as rivals. Tiffany plays a park ranger and Gibson is an animal rights activist who really likes snakes.
There’s nothing more fun than popping a film like this—or Sharktopus or Dinoshark—into the Blu-ray player and turning off your brain for 90-minutes. Until you have the chance to experience it for yourself firsthand, our HD screenshot recap of all the Mega Python Gatoroidy goodness will have to suffice.
That’s an attractive title card and the best effect in the entire film.
“I get lost…in your snake eyes…”
Quite an impressive shot of a cute doggie…
Moments before he’s devoured by a huge snake Gibson released into the wild, which ranks as the second most catastrophic thing she’s ever done. (“Shake Your Love” obviously being the first.)
Whoa, Tiffany. It’s been a while. Apparently when she’s not protecting the ecosystem as a park ranger she’s “running just as fast as she can” to the buffet and shitty tattoo parlor.
Side-view mirror gags never tire. Thanks Jurassic Park!
Finally, the titans of 80s teen pop appear on screen together. They both have opposing views and are unwilling to budge. It’s like that part in Heat where Al Pacino and Robert De Niro stare at each other for 15 minutes—only this scene has about a 10th of the plastic surgery.
Normally the P-ness doesn’t use images this graphic, but sometimes we have to shock you to raise the awareness of a potential Mega Python and Gatoroid infestation.
Line-of-sight, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid actor! Ever heard of it? Unless the scene called for a blind guy shooting a fake snake hanging from a tree, in which case he totally nailed it.
There, buddy. Do you see that?
Now he’s surrounded by snakes yet still finds the one spot on the frame to look where there aren’t any.
Gaaah!
Who ordered the beefcake with a side of tanktop? At this point of the story the snakes are out of control so Tiffany decides to give the alligators steroids to level the playing field.
Time for Tiffany’s evening feeding. (Too soon?)
Not to get too scientific, but this is exactly what it looks like when steroids interact with alligator and/or snake DNA.
A Gatoroid starts to feed on a Mega Python…
A Mega Python starts to munch on some steroid-infected Gatoroid eggs…
This guy gets all bewildered and distraught…
And the Mega Python vs. Gatoroid battle is on!
“She’s lying there motionless, just like my Gatoroid wife,” jokes Gatoroid.
“Need a lift?” jokes Mega Python. “Going up. First floor, scales. Second floor, snake teeth. Top floor, your entire body sliding through my digestive track for the next week.”
Just when you think the star power can’t shine any brighter, along comes Micky Dolenz of The Monkees. (As opposed to the Micky Dolenz of the Royal Shakespeare Company.)
Gibson crashes a benefit and shows off her figure in this slinky little number.
A catfight ensues.
She rubs whipped cream on Tiffany’s boobs…because no one truly wins a catfight till boobs are unnecessarily slathered in whipped cream. While this madness is diverting everyone’s attention…
The Mega Pythons and Gatoroids have joined forces and start taking over the world…starting with Florida.
This huge guy even devours a train! Oh, Megy. You so cra-zay!
This is an actual frame from the movie and not some joke we cooked up in Photoshop. Ed Wood must be spinning in his angora-lined coffin.
The human race’s last chance against certain destruction has taken to the air.
They try to lure the creatures away from the city by spraying hormone jizz from a crop duster. (NOTE: It was actually pheromones but hormone jizz has a better ring to it.)
“Hey, Mega Python, what are you hungry for?”
“I dunno, something plane.”
Talk about Gatoroids. Are we right, fellas? (High five!)
Gator-blockade.
Will this fucking movie ever end?
Apparently not.
Not much is happening here, but it made us laugh. It’s clearly one of the tackiest shots of the film.
We stand corrected. The end!
Stephen Baldwin’s Dumb Face in Posse
Mario Van Peebles’ Posse, an ode to Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns and African American cowboys, is often overlooked and forgotten. And for good reason. It’s horrible. At one point the “posse” comes across a stream and decides to go skinny dipping. Baldwin’s gaping grin happens to be the least awkward part of the entire scene.
(1975)The P-Ness Takes A Dip With Dinoshark
It’s a shark. It’s a dinosaur. It’s both! Frozen in the ice for over 150 million years, Dinoshark lays in wait. Well, his time is now! Yet another hybrid-animal Syfy creation, just like our good buddy Sharktopus, this goofy low-budget Roger Corman production starring Eric Balfour (Skyline) offers exactly what you expect: horrible acting, embarrassing effects, and a decent time for schlock-loving horror fans with really low expectations. But enough about what the P-ness thinks. Let’s witness Dinoshark’s own tale of woe through glossy HD screenshots.
This title font alone assures we’re in for something classy.
Now it’s time to get serious. Global warming. Climate change. The big melt that’ll put us all underwater. Those are the common concerns. But, what about Dinosharks? Our irresponsible use of carbon gases, fossil fuels, hairspray, and Donald Trump’s dumb fat cunt head are just a few things contributing to a possible Dinoshark infestation. This film is a message, people. Let’s get serious about this. We can start with Trump’s dump fat cunt head, but we have to do something quick or it’s curtains for the human race.
Ah, now we’ve done it. A big glacier broke off into the ocean.
Off swims a Dinoshark baby. Skip forward three years and he’s no longer a baby. He’s a full grown…
DINOSHARK!!!!!!
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the filmmakers call up some stock footage of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. This is the place that will bear the brunt of Dino-wrath. But it doesn’t start out tragic. It starts off upbeat and hopeful, like all Dinoshark tales of yore.
Just look at that smile on Eric Balfour’s face. He’s a scrappy upstart boat guy without a care in the world…or a blossoming acting career…
Dinoshark’s Mexico debut starts with a little surf(er) and turf.
“Yum,” thinks Dinoshark as he smacks his prehistoric lips.
Who’s this young(ish) lass? The P-ness never really paid much attention to her back story but she’s some sort of scholar who coaches a water polo team and is also into hotel management. She’s got a lot going on, this one. Her one weakness besides Dinosharks and water polo players unwilling to give their all? Eric Balfour’s smile.
There it is! Again! Dude, you’re so cheerful. Keep it up.
Yeah, bro! Shots and smiles are what’s on the menu today!
We interrupt this gripping breakdown of Dinoshark to bring you a glaring continuity mistake.
Young(ish) blonde water polo coaching scholar hotel woman is on the phone in her car.
The shot cuts and we see her in the rear-view mirror. But she’s wearing sunglasses and playing with her hair with the hand that was holding the phone.
Cut back to her looking at her phone. Really, Dinoshark editor? Have some pride in your work. You’re making a film about a prehistoric shark from Alaska that somehow swims to Mexico to feed. The least you can do is preserve the suspension of disbelief by keeping a proper shot list. We have no idea how this film can recover now.
This ain’t doing it. A bunch of girls in a pool playing water polo? Dinoshark doesn’t do pools. We can only imagine this is some sort of foreshadowing… What’s that? The girls are supposed to play a big water polo match in the lagoon? Whew, Dinoshark is back on track. (We just can’t stay mad at you!)
Hi Dino! So good of you to stop by, even though we completely forget the context of this screenshot.
Really with that fucking hat?
Research time. Dinoshark has gone interactive.
Uh-oh, Eric Balfour isn’t smiling. Something must be really wrong for him to be hiding those gigantic teeth of his.
Roger Corman makes his appearance. He plays a scientist with lots of Dinoshark insight. He tells them that DinoZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…sorry, we nodded off for a second. Can we get to more maulings please?
Free Dinoshark! They try to keep him contained with a sliver of dock that couldn’t defeat a 4-year-old. Dinoshark goes Free Willy to get to his afternoon snack.
Ah, water polo. The sport of kings…
But Dinoshark isn’t a fan of the sport. He’s a huge fan of femurs, though.
Where the hell did you learn how to run, jiggly woman in tight black top?
Question answered. Though our furry little friend is much more graceful. (In case you’re wondering, we have no idea why this bird is in the movie.)
Sorry, awkward running woman, you’re time is up. Next time don’t run so stupid.
“I believe I can fly…”
It’s showdown time. Eric “Smiley” Balfour vs. Dinoshark.
He launches a grenade and it’s a direct hit to his Dino-fin. But he’s not finished yet.
Nice face.
The end!
