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HD gets us excited.

The Pness Bites Into Sharktopus!

It’s a shark! It’s an octopus! It’s both! It’s Sharktopus!!! (Now I’ve done it, I’ve run out of exclamation points. No I haven’t!!!!!!!!!!!!)

It’s a special day in this world when a hybrid-animal from the minds of Roger Corman and Syfy release a Blu-ray with this much awesomeness. The acting is horrible, the script is worse, and the CGI is worstest, but it delves into the dark place of a man’s heart filled with terror and squishy tentancles. You won’t take this journey alone. The Pness is here with you, guiding you through the treacherous Sharktopus infested waters. Be warned, there are spoilers ahead, but it shouldn’t matter since knowing the legend of Sharktopus isn’t the same as experiencing its Sharktopus-ness throughout an entire feature film. 

It starts off pleasantly enough, with two girls hanging on the beach. 

"Hey Brittny or Tiffiny, or whatever ‘e’-less name you have, I’m gonna take a dip in the ocean while you text. Lates!"

Apparently, Sharktopus likes big (and jiggly) butts, and he cannot lie.

Jiggly butt girl gets away, but a real shark isn’t so fortunate. Let this be a lesson: If you’re a real shark and you come across a Sharktopus, you will lose. Meanwhile, back at the lab…

This is by no means stock footage. We’re assuming they actually built this aquatic installation leaving very little else in the budget for actors, story, or effects. It is here we learn Sharktopus is a government experiment! Let’s meet the players.

Well I’ll be! It’s Eric Roberts, looking as trustworthy as ever. At no point in the film does it look like he spent the week prior to shooting hanging out in a dumpster behind a Jack In The Box. 

And who’s this comely attractive lass? It’s Roberts’ daughter, who’s helping with the genetic research. Glasses on or off, this young actress will have all the Syfy fans panting for more…aside from their normal panting from eating their gross weight in Fritos while washing it down with 82-ounces of Four Loko. Point being: She’s cute and knows Sharktopus like none of us will ever know Sharktopus.

The reason Roberts and cute science girl are confident? They’re controlling Sharktopus with this completely secure harness. While that harness is attached, Sharktopus is as harmless as baby piglet hugging a puppy while watching kittens nap. This should be the end of the movie. Sharktopus goes out into the water, proves to the military that it’s a plausible weapon, then returns safely. If you believe that then YOU DON’T KNOW SHARKTOPUS!

After getting free due to some idiots hitting him with a speed boat, Sharky-shark(topus) makes quick work of these two idiots. No, that’s not ketchup (or catsup) on your screen. That’s one of many CGI camera blood splats. Truly horrifying!

They (meaning the science people) hit the road and head to Mexico to catch Sharktopus. Here’s the cute science girl wearing glasses, worrying about the implications if Sharktopus remains free.

Roberts, on the other hand, is supremely confident that he’ll not only capture Sharktopus, but he’ll even have time to hit up a Sunglass Hut for more vintage, swanky shades.

In the meantime, Sharktopus has killed a few people. Whatever. The real highlight is the cameo from Roger Corman, who’s walking the beach when a fit young co-ed is dragged to her death.

There’s also this very unfortunate swimsuit. The Pness rarely comments on fashion, but this can not, and will not, go unnoticed. Of all the cruel and violent acts in the film, this one-piece is by far the most unforgivable.

Enter the hero. Yeah, he’s totally got the face of a hero. He’s what stands between the world and Sharktopus. 

The only way to retake control of Sharktopus is to shoot that thing into it, hence giving cute science girl the ability to end all this madness. Seems simple, right? Again, YOU DON’T KNOW SHARKTOPUS!!!!

Along the way we meet an assortment of characters, one of which is this shock-jock and his lovely assistant. He, of course, is skeptical of all the “crazy” reports he keeps getting of a half-shark half-octopus creature killing everyone. He also keeps trying to have sex with the blond, who ain’t having none of that, no!

There’s also a reporter and her fake-tattooed (and possibly brain damaged) camera man trying to run down the story.

It may look like a typical Good Morning America broadcast, but that female reporter is selfish and ruthless. She doesn’t care about the human toll. She only cares about ratings and success. It’s a sad and compelling character study that hits close to home for all of us.

Sharktopus hungry!

Sharktopus walky!

Meanwhile, Roberts is starting to feel the strain so he decides to have a drink. The next 5 photos detail possibly the ugliest face made by any human captured on film. There’s no place this man won’t go to sell his character, and for that we’re grateful.

 

Ahhh, refreshing! Meanwhile, Sharktopus is still on a rampage.

I’m on a boat! I’m on a boat! Take a good hard look at this mutha-f**king boat.

Blondy is getting nervous. Not nervous enough to put on a robe or leave her boat and head towards land, but still nervous. It could be worse, sweetie. You could be watching Love and Other Drugs. God, that movie was a piece of crap. 

Oh, noes! Sharktopus hits close to home, taunting the hero and cute science girl by snatching up their friend. Upon reflection, it’s hard to realize what this actor had a tougher time grappling with: Sharktopus or the English language. Let’s call it a tie.

"I can see my Sharktopus house from up here."

So many people die in this movie. The guy that gets away? The mime on stilts. Losing!

Cute science girl and hero boy come to some sort of realization. Or else he just dumped in his pants and she’s really disgusted by it. Let’s say it’s the latter.

I’m gonna keep on chompin’ you. Cause it’s the only thing I wanna do. I don’t wanna sleep. I just wanna keep on chompin you.

Long shot, fake blood splat, and so forth…

This could be lights out. Sharktopus is close. If only cute science girl could come up with a solution.

She needs a password to access Sharktopus. But what could it be?

Hint: It’s not the alternate title for the film. But, the Pness has gone far enough. We’ve covered the ins and outs of Sharktopus and don’t want to spoil the exciting conclusion.

The end!

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