It’s a shark. It’s a dinosaur. It’s both! Frozen in the ice for over 150 million years, Dinoshark lays in wait. Well, his time is now! Yet another hybrid-animal Syfy creation, just like our good buddy Sharktopus, this goofy low-budget Roger Corman production starring Eric Balfour (Skyline) offers exactly what you expect: horrible acting, embarrassing effects, and a decent time for schlock-loving horror fans with really low expectations. But enough about what the P-ness thinks. Let’s witness Dinoshark’s own tale of woe through glossy HD screenshots.
This title font alone assures we’re in for something classy.
Now it’s time to get serious. Global warming. Climate change. The big melt that’ll put us all underwater. Those are the common concerns. But, what about Dinosharks? Our irresponsible use of carbon gases, fossil fuels, hairspray, and Donald Trump’s dumb fat cunt head are just a few things contributing to a possible Dinoshark infestation. This film is a message, people. Let’s get serious about this. We can start with Trump’s dump fat cunt head, but we have to do something quick or it’s curtains for the human race.
Ah, now we’ve done it. A big glacier broke off into the ocean.
Off swims a Dinoshark baby. Skip forward three years and he’s no longer a baby. He’s a full grown…
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the filmmakers call up some stock footage of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. This is the place that will bear the brunt of Dino-wrath. But it doesn’t start out tragic. It starts off upbeat and hopeful, like all Dinoshark tales of yore.
Just look at that smile on Eric Balfour’s face. He’s a scrappy upstart boat guy without a care in the world…or a blossoming acting career…
Dinoshark’s Mexico debut starts with a little surf(er) and turf.
"Yum," thinks Dinoshark as he smacks his prehistoric lips.
Who’s this young(ish) lass? The P-ness never really paid much attention to her back story but she’s some sort of scholar who coaches a water polo team and is also into hotel management. She’s got a lot going on, this one. Her one weakness besides Dinosharks and water polo players unwilling to give their all? Eric Balfour’s smile.
There it is! Again! Dude, you’re so cheerful. Keep it up.
Yeah, bro! Shots and smiles are what’s on the menu today!
We interrupt this gripping breakdown of Dinoshark to bring you a glaring continuity mistake.
Young(ish) blonde water polo coaching scholar hotel woman is on the phone in her car.
The shot cuts and we see her in the rear-view mirror. But she’s wearing sunglasses and playing with her hair with the hand that was holding the phone.
Cut back to her looking at her phone. Really, Dinoshark editor? Have some pride in your work. You’re making a film about a prehistoric shark from Alaska that somehow swims to Mexico to feed. The least you can do is preserve the suspension of disbelief by keeping a proper shot list. We have no idea how this film can recover now.
This ain’t doing it. A bunch of girls in a pool playing water polo? Dinoshark doesn’t do pools. We can only imagine this is some sort of foreshadowing… What’s that? The girls are supposed to play a big water polo match in the lagoon? Whew, Dinoshark is back on track. (We just can’t stay mad at you!)
Hi Dino! So good of you to stop by, even though we completely forget the context of this screenshot.
Really with that fucking hat?
Research time. Dinoshark has gone interactive.
Uh-oh, Eric Balfour isn’t smiling. Something must be really wrong for him to be hiding those gigantic teeth of his.
Roger Corman makes his appearance. He plays a scientist with lots of Dinoshark insight. He tells them that DinoZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…sorry, we nodded off for a second. Can we get to more maulings please?
Free Dinoshark! They try to keep him contained with a sliver of dock that couldn’t defeat a 4-year-old. Dinoshark goes Free Willy to get to his afternoon snack.
Ah, water polo. The sport of kings…
But Dinoshark isn’t a fan of the sport. He’s a huge fan of femurs, though.
Where the hell did you learn how to run, jiggly woman in tight black top?
Question answered. Though our furry little friend is much more graceful. (In case you’re wondering, we have no idea why this bird is in the movie.)
Sorry, awkward running woman, you’re time is up. Next time don’t run so stupid.
"I believe I can fly…"
It’s showdown time. Eric “Smiley” Balfour vs. Dinoshark.
He launches a grenade and it’s a direct hit to his Dino-fin. But he’s not finished yet.