1080p-ness

HD gets us excited.

The P-Ness Inserts Itself Into the Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Battle Royale!

What happens when giant pythons get loose in the Everglades? You give the local alligators steroids so they grow big enough to kill them. Duh! Welcome to another low-budget Syfy production, where the only thing worse than the effects are the story and performances. This time they cast former teen pop stars Tiffany and Debbie…pardon us, Deborah Gibson…as rivals. Tiffany plays a park ranger and Gibson is an animal rights activist who really likes snakes.

There’s nothing more fun than popping a film like this—or Sharktopus or Dinoshark—into the Blu-ray player and turning off your brain for 90-minutes. Until you have the chance to experience it for yourself firsthand, our HD screenshot recap of all the Mega Python Gatoroidy goodness will have to suffice.

That’s an attractive title card and the best effect in the entire film.

"I get lost…in your snake eyes…"

Quite an impressive shot of a cute doggie…

Moments before he’s devoured by a huge snake Gibson released into the wild, which ranks as the second most catastrophic thing she’s ever done. (“Shake Your Love" obviously being the first.)

Whoa, Tiffany. It’s been a while. Apparently when she’s not protecting the ecosystem as a park ranger she’s “running just as fast as she can” to the buffet and shitty tattoo parlor.

Side-view mirror gags never tire. Thanks Jurassic Park!

Finally, the titans of 80s teen pop appear on screen together. They both have opposing views and are unwilling to budge. It’s like that part in Heat where Al Pacino and Robert De Niro stare at each other for 15 minutes—only this scene has about a 10th of the plastic surgery.

Normally the P-ness doesn’t use images this graphic, but sometimes we have to shock you to raise the awareness of a potential Mega Python and Gatoroid infestation.

Line-of-sight, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid actor! Ever heard of it? Unless the scene called for a blind guy shooting a fake snake hanging from a tree, in which case he totally nailed it.

There, buddy. Do you see that? 

Now he’s surrounded by snakes yet still finds the one spot on the frame to look where there aren’t any.

Gaaah!

Who ordered the beefcake with a side of tanktop? At this point of the story the snakes are out of control so Tiffany decides to give the alligators steroids to level the playing field.

Time for Tiffany’s evening feeding. (Too soon?)

Not to get too scientific, but this is exactly what it looks like when steroids interact with alligator and/or snake DNA.

A Gatoroid starts to feed on a Mega Python…

A Mega Python starts to munch on some steroid-infected Gatoroid eggs…

This guy gets all bewildered and distraught…

And the Mega Python vs. Gatoroid battle is on!

"She’s lying there motionless, just like my Gatoroid wife," jokes Gatoroid.

"Need a lift?" jokes Mega Python. "Going up. First floor, scales. Second floor, snake teeth. Top floor, your entire body sliding through my digestive track for the next week."

Just when you think the star power can’t shine any brighter, along comes Micky Dolenz of The Monkees. (As opposed to the Micky Dolenz of the Royal Shakespeare Company.) 

Gibson crashes a benefit and shows off her figure in this slinky little number.

A catfight ensues.

She rubs whipped cream on Tiffany’s boobs…because no one truly wins a catfight till boobs are unnecessarily slathered in whipped cream. While this madness is diverting everyone’s attention…

The Mega Pythons and Gatoroids have joined forces and start taking over the world…starting with Florida.

This huge guy even devours a train! Oh, Megy. You so cra-zay!

This is an actual frame from the movie and not some joke we cooked up in Photoshop. Ed Wood must be spinning in his angora-lined coffin.

The human race’s last chance against certain destruction has taken to the air.

They try to lure the creatures away from the city by spraying hormone jizz from a crop duster. (NOTE: It was actually pheromones but hormone jizz has a better ring to it.)

"Hey, Mega Python, what are you hungry for?"
"I dunno, something plane."

Talk about Gatoroids. Are we right, fellas? (High five!)

Gator-blockade.

Will this fucking movie ever end?

Apparently not.

Not much is happening here, but it made us laugh. It’s clearly one of the tackiest shots of the film.

We stand corrected. The end!

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