to move up and down
1080p-ness
HD gets us excited.
The P-Ness Inserts Itself Into the Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Battle Royale!
What happens when giant pythons get loose in the Everglades? You give the local alligators steroids so they grow big enough to kill them. Duh! Welcome to another low-budget Syfy production, where the only thing worse than the effects are the story and performances. This time they cast former teen pop stars Tiffany and Debbie…pardon us, Deborah Gibson…as rivals. Tiffany plays a park ranger and Gibson is an animal rights activist who really likes snakes.
There’s nothing more fun than popping a film like this—or Sharktopus or Dinoshark—into the Blu-ray player and turning off your brain for 90-minutes. Until you have the chance to experience it for yourself firsthand, our HD screenshot recap of all the Mega Python Gatoroidy goodness will have to suffice.
That’s an attractive title card and the best effect in the entire film.
“I get lost…in your snake eyes…”
Quite an impressive shot of a cute doggie…
Moments before he’s devoured by a huge snake Gibson released into the wild, which ranks as the second most catastrophic thing she’s ever done. (“Shake Your Love” obviously being the first.)
Whoa, Tiffany. It’s been a while. Apparently when she’s not protecting the ecosystem as a park ranger she’s “running just as fast as she can” to the buffet and shitty tattoo parlor.
Side-view mirror gags never tire. Thanks Jurassic Park!
Finally, the titans of 80s teen pop appear on screen together. They both have opposing views and are unwilling to budge. It’s like that part in Heat where Al Pacino and Robert De Niro stare at each other for 15 minutes—only this scene has about a 10th of the plastic surgery.
Normally the P-ness doesn’t use images this graphic, but sometimes we have to shock you to raise the awareness of a potential Mega Python and Gatoroid infestation.
Line-of-sight, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid actor! Ever heard of it? Unless the scene called for a blind guy shooting a fake snake hanging from a tree, in which case he totally nailed it.
There, buddy. Do you see that?
Now he’s surrounded by snakes yet still finds the one spot on the frame to look where there aren’t any.
Gaaah!
Who ordered the beefcake with a side of tanktop? At this point of the story the snakes are out of control so Tiffany decides to give the alligators steroids to level the playing field.
Time for Tiffany’s evening feeding. (Too soon?)
Not to get too scientific, but this is exactly what it looks like when steroids interact with alligator and/or snake DNA.
A Gatoroid starts to feed on a Mega Python…
A Mega Python starts to munch on some steroid-infected Gatoroid eggs…
This guy gets all bewildered and distraught…
And the Mega Python vs. Gatoroid battle is on!
“She’s lying there motionless, just like my Gatoroid wife,” jokes Gatoroid.
“Need a lift?” jokes Mega Python. “Going up. First floor, scales. Second floor, snake teeth. Top floor, your entire body sliding through my digestive track for the next week.”
Just when you think the star power can’t shine any brighter, along comes Micky Dolenz of The Monkees. (As opposed to the Micky Dolenz of the Royal Shakespeare Company.)
Gibson crashes a benefit and shows off her figure in this slinky little number.
A catfight ensues.
She rubs whipped cream on Tiffany’s boobs…because no one truly wins a catfight till boobs are unnecessarily slathered in whipped cream. While this madness is diverting everyone’s attention…
The Mega Pythons and Gatoroids have joined forces and start taking over the world…starting with Florida.
This huge guy even devours a train! Oh, Megy. You so cra-zay!
This is an actual frame from the movie and not some joke we cooked up in Photoshop. Ed Wood must be spinning in his angora-lined coffin.
The human race’s last chance against certain destruction has taken to the air.
They try to lure the creatures away from the city by spraying hormone jizz from a crop duster. (NOTE: It was actually pheromones but hormone jizz has a better ring to it.)
“Hey, Mega Python, what are you hungry for?”
“I dunno, something plane.”
Talk about Gatoroids. Are we right, fellas? (High five!)
Gator-blockade.
Will this fucking movie ever end?
Apparently not.
Not much is happening here, but it made us laugh. It’s clearly one of the tackiest shots of the film.
We stand corrected. The end!
Stephen Baldwin’s Dumb Face in Posse
Mario Van Peebles’ Posse, an ode to Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns and African American cowboys, is often overlooked and forgotten. And for good reason. It’s horrible. At one point the “posse” comes across a stream and decides to go skinny dipping. Baldwin’s gaping grin happens to be the least awkward part of the entire scene.
(1975)The P-Ness Takes A Dip With Dinoshark
It’s a shark. It’s a dinosaur. It’s both! Frozen in the ice for over 150 million years, Dinoshark lays in wait. Well, his time is now! Yet another hybrid-animal Syfy creation, just like our good buddy Sharktopus, this goofy low-budget Roger Corman production starring Eric Balfour (Skyline) offers exactly what you expect: horrible acting, embarrassing effects, and a decent time for schlock-loving horror fans with really low expectations. But enough about what the P-ness thinks. Let’s witness Dinoshark’s own tale of woe through glossy HD screenshots.
This title font alone assures we’re in for something classy.
Now it’s time to get serious. Global warming. Climate change. The big melt that’ll put us all underwater. Those are the common concerns. But, what about Dinosharks? Our irresponsible use of carbon gases, fossil fuels, hairspray, and Donald Trump’s dumb fat cunt head are just a few things contributing to a possible Dinoshark infestation. This film is a message, people. Let’s get serious about this. We can start with Trump’s dump fat cunt head, but we have to do something quick or it’s curtains for the human race.
Ah, now we’ve done it. A big glacier broke off into the ocean.
Off swims a Dinoshark baby. Skip forward three years and he’s no longer a baby. He’s a full grown…
DINOSHARK!!!!!!
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the filmmakers call up some stock footage of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. This is the place that will bear the brunt of Dino-wrath. But it doesn’t start out tragic. It starts off upbeat and hopeful, like all Dinoshark tales of yore.
Just look at that smile on Eric Balfour’s face. He’s a scrappy upstart boat guy without a care in the world…or a blossoming acting career…
Dinoshark’s Mexico debut starts with a little surf(er) and turf.
“Yum,” thinks Dinoshark as he smacks his prehistoric lips.
Who’s this young(ish) lass? The P-ness never really paid much attention to her back story but she’s some sort of scholar who coaches a water polo team and is also into hotel management. She’s got a lot going on, this one. Her one weakness besides Dinosharks and water polo players unwilling to give their all? Eric Balfour’s smile.
There it is! Again! Dude, you’re so cheerful. Keep it up.
Yeah, bro! Shots and smiles are what’s on the menu today!
We interrupt this gripping breakdown of Dinoshark to bring you a glaring continuity mistake.
Young(ish) blonde water polo coaching scholar hotel woman is on the phone in her car.
The shot cuts and we see her in the rear-view mirror. But she’s wearing sunglasses and playing with her hair with the hand that was holding the phone.
Cut back to her looking at her phone. Really, Dinoshark editor? Have some pride in your work. You’re making a film about a prehistoric shark from Alaska that somehow swims to Mexico to feed. The least you can do is preserve the suspension of disbelief by keeping a proper shot list. We have no idea how this film can recover now.
This ain’t doing it. A bunch of girls in a pool playing water polo? Dinoshark doesn’t do pools. We can only imagine this is some sort of foreshadowing… What’s that? The girls are supposed to play a big water polo match in the lagoon? Whew, Dinoshark is back on track. (We just can’t stay mad at you!)
Hi Dino! So good of you to stop by, even though we completely forget the context of this screenshot.
Really with that fucking hat?
Research time. Dinoshark has gone interactive.
Uh-oh, Eric Balfour isn’t smiling. Something must be really wrong for him to be hiding those gigantic teeth of his.
Roger Corman makes his appearance. He plays a scientist with lots of Dinoshark insight. He tells them that DinoZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…sorry, we nodded off for a second. Can we get to more maulings please?
Free Dinoshark! They try to keep him contained with a sliver of dock that couldn’t defeat a 4-year-old. Dinoshark goes Free Willy to get to his afternoon snack.
Ah, water polo. The sport of kings…
But Dinoshark isn’t a fan of the sport. He’s a huge fan of femurs, though.
Where the hell did you learn how to run, jiggly woman in tight black top?
Question answered. Though our furry little friend is much more graceful. (In case you’re wondering, we have no idea why this bird is in the movie.)
Sorry, awkward running woman, you’re time is up. Next time don’t run so stupid.
“I believe I can fly…”
It’s showdown time. Eric “Smiley” Balfour vs. Dinoshark.
He launches a grenade and it’s a direct hit to his Dino-fin. But he’s not finished yet.
Nice face.
The end!
Weekly Blu-ray Round Up (4/12/11): Harry Potter, Narnia, The Incredibles, and more.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 [Blu-ray + DVD + Digital Copy]
Studio: Warner
Whether you’re a fan of the Harry Potter books or never even read a single page of J.K. Rowling’s wizards-coming-of-age novels, the film series has always been a consistent and exciting experience. Much of the credit can be given to the casting director, who’s had access to almost every living British actor and was either brilliant or lucky in picking the perfect Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), Hermione (Emma Watson), and Ron Weasly (Rupert Grint). As the series draws to an end the films have progressed from kids goofing around with magic to a much more dark and forboding world. Deathly Hallows Part 1, while rich with stark whites and grays, is, sadly, also the most boring. The past films condensed the large books into one story each; by stretching this into two films there are long sections where very little happens. It has a Lord of the Rings thing going on, with lots of walking, and ends arbitrarily just as The Fellowship of the Ring and Two Towers. Perhaps fans of the book will enjoy the longer experience, but fans of the film series will just want to get it over with already.
Video: 1080p 16x9; Audio: 5.1 DTS-HD MA; Blu-ray Exclusives: Interactive “Maximum Movie Mode” featuring interviews and behind-the-scenes footage, focus point featurettes, BD-Live enabled; Special Features (Disc 2): Behind the story featurettes (includes “The Seven Harrys,” “On The Green with Rupert, Tom Oliver and James,” “Dan, Rupert and Emma’s Running Competition,” “Godric’s Hollow and the Harry & Nagini Battle” and “The Frozen Lake”), Exclusive Deathly Hallows Part 2 sneak peek (Note: This wasn’t including on the version we reviewed due to piracy concerns but Warner claims in a press release that it’ll be included on Blu-rays sold in stores) additional scenes, behind the soundtrack, promotional materials including the grand opening of Universal Studios Orlando “The Wonderful Wizarding World of Harry Potter,” DVD, digital copy.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader [Blu-ray]
Studio: Fox
The third installment of C.S. Lewis’ popular novels find the siblings from the first two films (Georgie Henley, Skandar Heynes) along with their cousin (Will Poulter), Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) and a swashbuckling mouse (seriously) heading back to the magical land to rescue some lords battling evil. It’s a mix of Lord of the Rings (just like Deathly Hallows) meets Pirates of the Caribbean, which will continue to captivate fans of the series but hold very little for those who haven’t been keeping up this far. As for the effects, the franchise is showing its age. After the dismal Prince Caspian sequel, it’s clear they had to make some cutbacks and it’s evident in terms of digital effects and the overall scope covered in the first two films. But, there’s a bright side: At least it got made, unlike The Golden Compass sequels, allowing Narnia fans to get their final cinematic fill. The rest of us can go about our lives as if the world with a talking lion doesn’t exist.
Video: 1080p HD; Audio: 5.1 DTS-HD MA; Blu-ray Special Features: Commentary by Director Michael Apted and Producer Mark Johnson, “The Untold Adventures of The Dawn Treader” animated short, “King Caspian’s Guide to the Dawn Treader: Legends and Lore of the Great Ship,” deleted scenes, Islands Explorations, “Narnian Discoveries: Friends and Foes of Narnia” (7 featurettes), 3 behind-the-scenes Featurettes including “Battle on the Sea,” Sword Game, 4 Fox Movie Channel behind-the-scenes featurettes; DVD Special Features: Commentary with Apted and Johnson, “The Voyage of The Dawn Treader,” deleted scenes; digital copy, collectible packaging and picture book included
The Incredibles [Four-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo + Digital Copy]
Studio: Disney
We wonder if Pixar gets tired of perfection because each of their films, and subsequent Blu-ray releases, have been other-worldly. The Incredibles is no different. The Fantastic Four-like family, pulled out of retirement to save the world, is just incredible (sorry about that, but it’s true). The Blu-ray release holds nothing back visually and includes a host of new stuff as well as the massive amount of special features from the DVD. The only film lacking this treatment so far is Finding Nemo and we have a feeling Disney/Pixar will knock that one out of the park as well.
Video: 1080p 16x9; Audio: 5.1 DTS-HD MA; Blu-ray Special Features (Disc 1 and 2): “The Incredibles Revisited,” “Paths To Pixar: Story Artists” (Note: this is a continuation of the bonus feature series from other Disney/Pixar releases), “Studio Stories: Gary’s Birthday,”“Ending With A Bang: Making The End Credits, “The New Nomanisan” Island Redevelopment Plan”; Classic DVD Features (Disc 2 and 3): Two commentaries (the first with Director Brad Bird and producer John Walker; the second is an edited together track featuring a ton of the animators), deleted scenes (HD), Making of The Incredibles, 15 featurettes, trailers, teasers, and publicity interviews, two short films, Jack-Jack Attack and Boundin’, which was nominated for an Oscar in 2003; Disc 4 contains the digital copy. If you happen to be a Disney Rewards member, you can get a free movie voucher for Cars 2 (expires 8/7/11).
The Inheritance [Blu-ray]
Studio: Image Entertainment
Don’t be fooled by the amazing cover art with a woman holding her own decapitated head: This film is absolutely horrible. But, first, let’s look at the positive. It’s refreshing to see an African American horror film, especially one based around the ghost of a super-slave who demands human sacrifice from prosperous former slave families. Writer/director Robert O’Hara goes pretty far on a low budget (thought he should have spent more time on the script) and the always-solid Keith David gets to ham it up and have some fun. But, as a movie, we can’t in good conscience give The Inheritance a pass. Like most modern horror films it becomes a laughable mess, as if they ran out of money or gave up midway through. It’s has a few decent visual moments, but once the lighting gets dim the quality suffers. Hopefully other filmmakers take a crack at this genre and give more African American actors the chance to star in horror films as opposed to being the first victim. 
Video: 1080p 1.85: 1, 16x9; Audio: 5.1 DTS-HD MA; Special Features: Theatrical trailer
Fiddler on the Roof [Blu-ray]
Studio: MGM
Norman Jewison’s successful and ambitious telling of the Broadway musical still entertains and hits close to home with its infectious tunes and salt-of-the-earth performances. Set in a Jewish village in pre-revolutionary Russia this follows the joy and pain of a patriarch (Topol) struggling with the love of his family, poverty, civil unrest and age-old traditions. It’s uplifting and spirit-crushing with a story more about the generation gap than Judiasm. The Blu-ray cleans up this 40-year-old classic nicely, even though some of it might appear less than ideal due to the original manner of filming. The real blast comes from the lossless 7.1 DTS audio, which makes up for any visual issues. Oddly enough, the only complaint we have is the lack of a main menu, which has become the habit of MGM Blu-ray releases (Jewison’s Moonstruck had the same issue). You have to access the extras via the pop-up menu while the film plays in the background, which isn’t a deal breaker but just really annoying.
Video: 1080p 2.34:1 ; Audio: 7.1 DTS-HD MA; Special Features (these all appeared on the 2007 2-Disc Collector’s Edition DVD): Commentary with Director Norman Jewison and star Topol, deleted song “Any Day Now” (audio), “Norman Jewison, Filmmaker” documentary, “Interview with John Williams: Creating a Musical Tradition,” “Interview with Tevye’s Daughters,” Norman Jewison Looks Back,” “Set In Reality,” “Tevye’s Dream in Full Color,” “The Songs of Fiddler on the Roof,” “The Songs of Sholam Aleichem,” photo Galleries, trailer, historical background with Photographs by Ann Weiss
Casino Jack [Blu-ray]
Studio: Fox
A quirky film about Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff (Kevin Spacey), a larger-than-life power player convicted for corruption. Unlike most movies condemning the Bush era, namely the recently released Fair Game, this focuses on a figure we’ve all heard of but probably know very little about. Politically, it’s not about right and left, it’s a comedy/satire about the rich and powerful. Spacey is in prime form as the geeky and over-ambitious schmoozer, and Barry Pepper plays the sleazeball sidekick with great results, but the story is devoid of genuine drama. Made by the late George Hickenlooper, who was largely a documentarian throughout his career and died suddenly in October 2010 of an accidental overdose, it’s like a R-rated political E! True Hollywood Story. There are interesting tidbits and insights into the extremely hot topic of lobbying, but the tone keeps it from being a truly memorable political film, very much like Charlie Wilson’s War. Visually, it’s sharp and clean, which is the exact opposite of the subject matter, but there are no worthwhile extras—just some photos, a boring gag reel, and deleted scenes. It should be a prerequisite for films based on real people to have some sort of fact-based featurette—or Fox should have worked out a deal to include the acclaimed documentary Casino Jack and the United States of Money.
Video: 1080p 2.35.1; Audio: 5.1 DTS-HD MA; Special Features: “Casino Jack: A Director’s photo diary, gag reel, deleted scenes
